By Charlene M. Brown
Intimacy is one of those things that is very easy to say, but terribly difficult to act out.
Have you ever seen that movie Runaway Bride? Julia Roberts and Richard Gere are best friends. Roberts’ character has tried to get married several times, but always ends up running away at the last minute. (Skip to last sentence in this paragraph if you haven’t seen it!) Eventually, best friend, Gere, realizes that he is in love with her and has to do what it takes to get her to marry him. He gives her a pair of running shoes and meets her in the meadow that she always runs too when she can’t face the altar. Ms. Roberts is just plain scared!
This is understandable. In these rapidly changing times where information is instantaneous and choices are exponential, long-term commitment sometimes seems like a thing of the past. Even things that seemingly commit you for the long-term, like a mortgage, can be weaseled out of if you know what you’re doing. This is true of relationships as well.
When I talk about intimacy, I don’t mean in the sense of strictly sex, I mean in a fully letting someone in, being completely honest with your Partner, wanting to spend your Life with someone, intimate. Even as I write this I hear Prince saying, “An electric word, Life—that means Forever, and that’s a mighty long time.” Tell me about it! We can barely commit to a career for more than five years, what’s all this business about committing to another person for the rest of our lives!?
As intimate partners, we have either learned to be guarded (often because we have been hurt) or give all of ourselves out all at once. Neither of these are Intimacy in the true sense of the word. Intimacy is a process, and like any process, it can be achieved one step at a time.
Most, if not all, of the negative things in our lives can be traced to anger or fear of some form. While these emotions do have a few productive uses (like leaving an abusive situation or standing up for yourself), more often than not, they spell trouble. Fear is the root of your unwillingness to be intimate. A line from Sara Bareilles’ song says, “I’m unusually hard to hold on to.” This is the same premise of Julia Roberts constantly running away from her weddings.
Creating Intimacy is hard, but not impossible. I would suggest 5 things:
1. Know your boundaries beforehand—figure out what you are comfortable sharing and what you are not. As you grow more comfortable with someone, a certain level of trust begins to build up.
2. Trust your gut—if the incessant tugging in your belly is telling you the person is bad news, trust that feeling and leave that person alone!
3. Talk to someone who is happily married for more than five years and ask them some of the things they do with their mate that keeps them going strong. Somewhere in there will be stated that marriage (intimacy) takes work and a concentrated effort.
4. Take small steps—once you are comfortable with a person, then you might decide to share an important detail or two with them. This might be something like an odd hobby or personality quirk. Take your time and make sure you are absolutely ready to share this detail with this person and remember you can decide how much or how little of yourself you are comfortable giving.
5. Give and Receive—I am not saying keep a tally of how many intimate details you have shared with another person. I am saying that if the other person has shared something with you, it may be a good time to also share something of yourself. (It also may not be, see tip #2). However, it may just be a time where you simply need to be supportive and not try to one-up the other person in intimate detail sharing! Use your good judgment here. As you get to know a person, learn to gauge them and try to understand that there is a time to give and a time to receive.
6. Be aware of with whom you are being intimate—everything is not for everybody. If you are feeling rushed or uncomfortable by sharing yourself with someone, it is probably not a good idea. (See #1). (I know I said five, but I just couldn’t narrow it down, so you just got a freebie—give people more than they expect from you—oops, another day, I promise!!)
These tips are not just for romantic (or potential romantic) partners, but are good guidelines to keep in mind as you go through your daily interactions with all people. Of course, don’t let these tips hinder you either. If you truly feel comfortable in a situation, follow your gut!
Do You Love Your Life Now!? I Do!!
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